


hospitals are scary, so stay by my side?

by TaeyongsPoorHair



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Childhood Friends, College, Developing Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Mark needs to get his shit together, Sad with a Happy Ending, donghyuck x make up is the only ship i need, renhyuck but only for a hot minute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaeyongsPoorHair/pseuds/TaeyongsPoorHair
Summary: Programming is hard. People are tiring and feelings complicated. The only constant Mark has ever known is Donghyuck, but that's about to change too.~"He’s also a force driven by adventures and adrenaline. Donghyuck doesn’t scare away from new things. Goes in blind when it comes to most situations and always has a witty comeback sitting at the tip of his tongue.That’s why Mark really shouldn’t be surprised to find him on the third floor of the hospital waiting for an ultrasound."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 5
Kudos: 95





	hospitals are scary, so stay by my side?

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger Warning:**
> 
> Anxiety attack after the paragraph that begins with “Let’s say we date and then break up." Until "Donghyuck frowns" skip the part I'm between if you're uncomfortable but it's three sentences and nothing too graphic. At least I don't think so.

Mark’s used to Donghyuck's antics after thirteen years of friendship.

Or that’s what he likes to tell himself every time Donghyuck gets one of his crazy ideas and absolutely _has_ to go through with it no matter how idiotic or dangerous it is. 

There’s that one time in fifth grade when Donghyuck came knocking at his door with a rope on his back and grabbed Mark by the hand. _“We’re going mountain climbing_ ,” he said, cheeks rosy from his run down the street. The mountain turned out to be a gigantic tree that Donghyuck had found on when he was dragged along by his parents on a hike in the woods next to their small town.

Mark stood at the foot of the tree, lips pressed into a thin line, clenching and unclenching his fists as Donghyuck fiddled around with the rope, throwing it up in hopes of getting it over one of the lower branches. Using the rope, Donghyuck tried to climb the stem to reach a thicker branch, but being an unexperienced, eleven years old kid, his foot slipped and the rope slid. Donghyuck was back on the ground before Mark could count to three.

It wasn’t a deep fall. Still, Donghyuck couldn’t step on his right foot and angry red lines burned is palms. Mark wiped Donghyuck's tears, carried him back home and held his hand as a doctor bandaged his sprained ankle at the hospital.

He always smiles at the memory of Donghyuck’s mother’s shocked face when she caught them in her room sitting at her dressing table when he was fifteen. It was a rainy autumn evening and nothing interesting was on. Of course, they could’ve been doing their homework but Mark had given up trying, after the third time Donghyuck tickled him on the floor when Mark even just hinted at the idea of schoolwork. 

Instead he dragged him through the house on a treasure hunt. It was a mystery to him what treasure, he knew Donghyuck’s home better than the back of his hand, but Mark never quite learned how to say no to Donghyuck and went along. That’s how they ended up in front of the white framed mirror in his parents’ bedroom as Donghyuck scavenged his mother’s make up bag. Mark didn’t see any appeal in it, but Donghyuck’s eyes shimmered when he discovered an eyeshadow palette with a pretty purple shade. _"Close your eyes,"_ he told Mark with a that same wicked smile that curled his lips before he’d fallen of the tree. And Mark complied silently. His eyelids fluttered slightly when gentle fingers pressed the pigment on his skin and his breathe hitched when he realized just how _close_ Donghyuck suddenly was.

Donghyuck’s mother wasn’t happy about their little game. _"Not the Chanel,”_ she said, grimacing in distress but after his next birthday, Donghyuck proudly showed off the drug store make up his mother gave him. “To experiment,” she explained since he wouldn’t keep his fingers off hers.

A less fun memory was from Donghyuck’s senior year when Mark was in town over the weekend. Mark would’ve been content snuggling up on the couch and watching stupid, old movies with Donghyuck until three am. Instead he was dragged to a party, where Donghyuck’s gotten drunk senseless and remerged flushed after seven minutes in a closet with some stranger. Mark’s ribs were closing in on his heart painfully when Donghyuck laughed with that Yangyang guy an hour later. He wanted to leave, spend the rest of his life in his bed with a bucket of chocolate ice cream maybe, but Donghyuck wanted fries, so Mark drove them to the next best open diner and ordered him his favourite crinkled fries along with a cheeseburger and some water.

Donghyuck’s always been the one thinking of the fun things to do. He likes to experiment. Enjoys making friends and going out on Friday evenings, that's why he moved into the dorms of their university instead of looking for a place of his own like Mark. They have different classes but meet up for lunches and drive together home on weekends and holidays. 

They complement each other in ways he lacks words to describe. Donghyuck comes over when he’s stressed and can’t find relieve in another party and Mark is grateful for the distraction and the food he always brings along. He forces Mark to take breaks during their study sessions and Mark helps Donghyuck focus when he needs to cram for his midterms. Donghyuck brings him out of his shell and introduces him to people, while Mark is the voice of reason that Donghyuck seems to be lacking.

Donghyuck is a safe house, he can turn to when the weight on his shoulders grows too heavy. With him everything feels so easy and so much like home.

He’s also a force driven by adventures and adrenaline. Donghyuck doesn’t scare away from new things. Goes in blind when it comes to most situations and always has a witty comeback sitting at the tip of his tongue.

That’s why Mark really shouldn’t be surprised to find him on the third floor of the hospital waiting for an ultrasound.

  
  


It started when Mark was studying in Donghyuck’s dorm room, while the latter was busy slicing wraiths in Crow’s Perch on Mark’s laptop and he forgot his charger on the floor next to Donghyuck’s bed when he left later on. Usually, he would’ve picked it up the following day after classes, but he had programming first thing in the morning and the computers their university put at their disposal where old and slow and not good for Mark’s mental wellbeing. 

So, Mark picked up his phone, hoping Donghyuck was still awake.

_Dude_  
_Are you awake?_  


The reply didn’t come immediately. In fact, Mark had to wait for about twenty and he feared he was too late. His phone buzzed just before Mark gave up all hope.

_im busy_  


Mark frowned at that. Donghyuck’s text were rarely so sparse, only when he was mad at him, but Mark had left three hours ago and that wasn’t enough time to do anything that could piss Donghyuck off. He didn’t get a chance to ask what was wrong though with the stream of incoming messages.

 _i ate glass_  
_accidentakly_  
_i didn’t mean to_  
_it was by accident_  
_you kno_  


_What_  
_The fuck?_  


_pls leave me alone_  
_yhere was this bottle_  
_you know that japanese stuff yuta always brings to parties_  
_th ball was supposed to stay INSIDE the bottle but it didnt_  
_So yeah_  
_i ate glass_  
_and now im at the hospital_  
_and jeno is tired_  
_and I feel bad_  


Mark had several options there.

He could tell him, he shouldn’t drink during the week, ask Jeno if everything was alright and go to sleep to be ready for his classes tomorrow. He could also ask what hospital Donghyuck was at. 

You guess, which he chose.

Donghyuck doesn’t look his best. His hair is dishevelled, he’s wearing his oldest pair of sweats and there’s a stain on his grey t-shirt, but Mark sees past it and notices something flicker in his eyes when Mark comes to a halt in front of him.

“Mark,” Jeno smiles at him and gratefully accepts the coffee he’d picked up on his way here. “You didn’t have to come. It’s not as bad as it sounds,” he says like the kind soul he his despite the dark shadows on his face.

“You have an early shift tomorrow, no?” Mark replies. “I’ve got him. You should go back and rest.”

Jeno looks back and forth between his two friends but nods when Donghyuck tells him it’s fine. Wishing them good night, Jeno gets up and leaves them in the empty, grey hallway. Mark takes the spot next to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck is quiet. The kind of quiet that tells Mark he’s lost in a whirlwind of thoughts worrying over something. His head is angled downwards, face hidden behind his overgrown bangs. There’s a glass bottle on the table to Donghyuck’s right standing on a stack of magazines. 

“Is that the bottle?” he asks reaching over to grab it.

“No. The one I drank from is missing the ball,” Donghyuck huffs. “Jeno took it to show the doctors.”

Mark inspects the narrow bottleneck. A glass marble inside bounces around when he shakes it. It should be too big to fit through the opening yet somehow one of those has ended up in Donghyuck’s stomach. 

“How does that even happen,” he mutters to himself, but Donghyuck deems it appropriate to answer.

“I don’t know. You tell me you’re the engineer, Lee.”

“I’m not an engineer yet.”

Donghyuck shrugs, leans back in his chair, and rests his head on Mark’s shoulder. He’s quiet again and Mark feels restless in the silence. Donghyuck usually knows what to talk about, has always something to tell. He’s probably tired, Mark tells himself but asks anyway.

“You okay, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck hums. “Don’t worry your pretty head about it. Just tired.”

“Winter break’s soon,” Mark says and takes his hand knowing Donghyuck finds comfort in the touch.

“You can’t take a break from life,” Donghyuck scoffs. Not used to such cynicism, Mark frowns.

“Are we getting philosophical now?” he jokes to lift the mood. “Still drunk?”

“I’m not drunk, Mark.” Donghyuck lets go of his hand and sits up abruptly. “I wanted to get drunk. Was about too but then I picked the one bottle that would land me in a hospital.”

Mark, mourning the weight on his shoulder, turns to face his best friend. His hair has grown down to his ears, but Donghyuck likes the new look. There’s traces of eyeliner and glitter on his eyelids, but all the make-up can’t hide the storm brooding behind his eyes.

“What’s going on?” he asks hoping to get through to him this time around, but all he gets is a grunt and downcast gaze. 

“Nothing.”

A nurse comes to get him.

There’s been many moments where Mark felt like he should’ve done something, said something. Like when he should’ve asked Donghyuck to prom but hesitated for too long and then Kim Jisoo had asked Mark and Donghyuck went with Sicheng instead. 

Or when Kim Yerim asked him out at the beginning of his second semester and he’d have done better rejecting her nicely instead of quietly watching the hurt in Donghyuck’s eyes when he broke the news to him. But Yerim was pretty. She was nice and funny and Mark thought maybe he’d get over this weird thing he had for Donghyuck.

He didn’t and broke up with her a month later.

Mark felt like right now is one of those moments. He should grab Donghyuck and prompt him to speak his mind but follows him quietly into the office instead.

  
  


A week later, Donghyuck goes to one of Johnny’s parties and meets someone. Renjun’s a lit major, Chinese and exceptionally cute. Donghyuck’s words, not his.

Another two weeks pass and Donghyuck’s curled up on Mark’s couch watching a movie–destressing after finals–when Donghyuck says,

“I asked Renjun to date me.”

Mark’s too tired to move his head from Donghyuck’s lap and hide his face. “What did he say?” Mark asks, eyes not leaving the screen. He feels Donghyuck’s gaze on him and prays to god his face doesn’t display his heart like a doll in a shop window.

“Yes.”

“That’s great,” he says, keeping his voice steady, when he feels like crying. “You really like him, huh? I’m– Congratulations.”

Donghyuck is still looking when Mark dares a glance up and smiles. “We should celebrate.”

  
  


Winter break isn’t that different from the years before. Renjun goes to visit his parents and Mark gets most of Donghyuck’s undivided attention. 

When classes start back up, Mark sees less and less of his best friend to the point where the only time they really get to talk are the hour long drives home. But that’s fine, he tells himself, it’s the endless stairs to his studio flat that leave him out of breath and his heart hurt. He refuses to think it’s anything but a physical reaction to something his doctor missed during his last check-up.

They still text all the time. It’s not like Donghyuck’s completely forgotten about him. It was a new relationship. _The honeymoon phase,_ Jaemin calls it. _He’ll come around soon enough,_ Jeno promises during yet another lunch with an empty fourth chair.

Donghyuck comes by with pizza just not as often as before and they talk like nothing’s changed. Mark listens carefully when Donghyuck talks about the dates he went on or the fight he had with Renjun last week, but he seems happy and that’s all Mark’s ever wanted for him.

What’s it matter if his heart is bleeding into his ribcage.

The days when he hears next to nothing from his best friend, Mark throws himself into his schoolwork. His programming assignment’s due soon and he really should start working on that essay for communication but properly managing his workload has never been one of Mark’s strong suits.

All in all, he thinks he’s holding it together fairly well, and only breaks out crying twice. Once over his thermodynamics homework. Once when Jeno comes to sleep over and puts on one of Donghyuck’s favourite movies.

  
  


He goes to a frat boy party once. Doesn’t really know why. Mark hates crowds and Donghyuck’s not even there, so really. What’s the point? But Jaemin looks at him like a kicked puppy and Jeno argues he needs to get out once in a while, so he complies.

There, he meets Yukhei, who goes by Lucas.

Lucas has wide eyes and an innocent smile. They dance, they kiss and Mark enjoys himself, but when Lucas invites him to go to his room, a picture of Donghyuck flashes through his mind. Mark excuses himself and looks for Jeno and Jaemin to tell them he’s leaving.

  
  


Jeno tries to talk to him. Punch some sense into his head, but Mark’s been playing this game for too long and giving it up doesn’t seem possible.

“Just talk to him,” Jeno pleads after a series of yells and insults. Mark makes a mental note to apologize to Taeyong, his neighbour next door, the next time he sees him. “You don’t know everything, I’m sure it’ll turn out fine, if you just _tell_ him, Mark.”

Mark turns away, tired of this argument, of his feelings, of the world and the universe. “I know he likes me,” he whispers. “Or _liked_. Not that it matters now. He’s happy Jeno and I’m not a homewrecker.”

“What do you mean, you know?” Jeno asks, eyes wide open in shock.

Mark frowns. “I’m not stupid nor am I blind.”

“Then why?”

He doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t think he owes Jeno an explanation but the latter will push until Mark spills anyway, so he sits down and decides to get it over with.

“Who’s to say we’d even work out?”

Mark is an overthinker He knows it’s a bad trait and he promises he’s working on it but it’s not easy to shake the crippling anxiety that comes with change. 

It feels like his life has been changing ever since he went on stage during his graduation ceremony senior year. Summer break, usually spent breaking all sorts of rules with Donghyuck, was filled with university preparations, and moving boxes. The first week on campus was full of new people and new places and everything about it, from finding his first lecture room to choosing what bread to buy in the unfamiliar bakery was terrifying. Despite the painful knot in his stomach, Mark managed. His nerves calmed down as he slowly found a new routine. Got to know a few of his classmates and joined a study group. Things were looking good, even though it was new and Mark longed for small classrooms and laugh filled lunch breaks with Donghyuck. Mark was used to his new life, even if it wasn’t what he wanted. And Donghyuck attended the same university only a year later, so he couldn’t complain.

Life was all about changes and moving forward. Mark was in the _best years of his life_ , as everyone called their college time.

He knows it’s about as reasonable as feeling like you’re on the wrong bus after checking the number three times, but it’s rooted so deep in his mind that he even if he cuts the tree and burns the roots, it’ll grow back twice as fast and push him into another spiral of self-doubt.

Relationships are messy. He’s seen people come together and break up, leaving both parties heartbroken and often disappearing from each other’s lives. Mark couldn’t risk that with Donghyuck. He tells Jeno as much.

Jeno looks at him, eyes full of empathy. “Mark, you can’t go into a relationship thinking of the end,” he said but Mark only laughed, voice void humor.

“I know that’s why I’m not dating anyone.”

He means to put an end to their conversation there. Is already thinking of excuses, he _really_ needs to start working on that essay, but Jeno tries to talk some reason into his stubborn head. 

“Donghyuck and you would make it work,” he says. He’s seen them almost bite each other’s heads off only to go grab coffee the next morning with no care for their fight. Mark knows all that. He’s been present during the times they disagreed and found ways to compromise, but the _what if_ keeps haunting his dreams.

“This is stupid. You’re just too much of a coward to make a move,” Jeno says running out of arguments. His words punch the air out of Mark’s lungs. 

Tears burn his eyes but he blinks them away, wills them to stay where they are.

Mark hates it. Hates it because he’s right. He is a coward after all, but he can’t stand there and listen to Jeno any longer without breaking down, so he yells. 

“Get out.”

Jeno, an unwavering horse, doesn’t flinch at the raised voice, only steps closer as if it’s the space between them preventing Mark from truly listening to him. “I hate seeing you hurt, Mark,” he whispers.

“Then look away.”

“I can’t, I care about you. Why can’t you see that?”

Running thin on patience and resolve, Mark resorts to the part of himself that he loathes but can never shake. The part that knows how to turn his own insecurities into knives meant to hurt the people he holds close to his heart.

“I never asked you to care. You’re Hyuck’s friend, worry about him.”

Mark regrets the words the moment he thinks them. Can pinpoint the exact second Jeno registers them and feels a piece of himself break when Jeno’s face falls. He spends the night alone, miserable, and guilty on his couch in front of the tv hoping the voices from the screen will drown the screaming in his head.

Mark catches Jeno on the way to get lunch. He’s hurt, Mark sees in the downcast mouth corners and can’t blame him for refusing his apology until Mark offers to buy ice cream. By the time Jaemin joins them in the library after classes everything seems well.

And well it stays. Mark keeps enjoying the times Donghyuck comes over for a study date with his favourite food–an apology for not seeing him more–and tries not to cry when Renjun sits with them at lunch and Donghyuck barely glances his way.

  
  


A few weeks later, Donghyuck comes knocking on his door. His clothes are soaked with heavy April rain and Mark should worry. Donghyuck could catch a cold, what is he thinking running around without an umbrella, but then he looks at his red eyes and running nose and can’t do much scolding. He pulls him in, holds Donghyuck close as he starts shaking and staining Mark’s hoodie with tears.

Renjun broke up with him, he finds out later when Donghyuck’s warming up with a mug hot chocolate and his favourite blanket on Mark’s bed. He tries to figure out what happened, but Donghyuck refuses to answer any ex-related questions.

“I doesn’t matter why, I just want to forget it even happened,” he says voice raw from crying. 

Mark leaves it at that, hoping it’s not making things worse and holds him closer. 

Donghyuck mopes for a week, opting to go back to his room after classes and eat away his sorrow with anything they had left in their minifridge. After, Mark drags him to the library, because he knows Donghyuck doesn’t do well on his own. He’s a people person and the time he spends goofing around with Jaemin instead of working through his study sheet does him more good than all the chocolate in the world ever could.

They fall back into their routine easily enough but Mark tries to keep Donghyuck from being alone. Invites him over more often, eats dinner with Donghyuck in a fancy restaurant after evening lectures and they go watch a movie a couple times more than Mark can afford.

It’s all worth in the end, Mark thinks, because Donghyuck’s smiling again.

Mark’s happier too. He’s gained his sense of normalcy back and though school’s still stressing him out he can deal with it a little better when he’s curled up on Donghyuck’s bed watching him play the latest game he’s bought with Mark’s credit card.

It’s not long until his world is put upside down again.

  
  


_can i come over later? i need to talk to you_

Mark frowns at the text and doesn’t hear a word of what his professor says till the end of his lecture. Donghyuck rarely asks before crashing his place. He can’t really recall a single time he’s made sure Mark was home, opting to use his spare key and waiting on Mark’s couch instead. Falling back into unhealthy patterns, Mark thinks and overthinks on the way home until his stomach his heavy and hands sweaty. Nothing he tells himself puts his mind at ease.

Mark drops his keys on the way in. Donghyuck is cooking brazed potatoes in his kitchen corner wrapped into one of Mark’s hoodies. He smiles at the sight, then remembers the text. His heart’s rapid rate now caused by an entirely different feeling. 

It’s stupid how scared he is. Donghyuck wouldn’t hurt him, he doesn’t have to flee and there’s no reason to fight, so why can’t his head just _stop_ for a second. 

Maybe it’s because Donghyuck doesn’t start rambling about his day, the moment he sees Mark. Maybe because Donghyuck’s smile isn’t as carefree as it should be.

Mark wants to find out what’s wrong, but his own lips betray him and then Donghyuck’s asking him if he’s finished his essay already, if he needs help. School is safe. He can talk about school while he looks for his courage, that traitor.

They eat as if nothing’s wrong. Everything seems so normal; Mark forgets all his worries until he’s washing the dishes with Donghyuck by his side.

“I’ve been thinking.”

“Doesn’t happen very often,” Mark says and smiles when Donghyuck throws the kitchen towel in his face.

“Stop interrupting me, you jerk,” he pouts and puts the stack of dishes away. Mark turns the water off, leans against the sink and watches as his friend carefully closes the cabinet. Donghyuck steadies himself on the short counter, grabs onto the wood to hide his shaking hands. Mark’s heart rate skyrockets as the other breathes shakily. “What I wanted to say is,” he tries again. “We’ve been friends for a really long time, right?”

Mark nods slowly.

“And I’m sure you’d only appreciate me being honest with you.” 

He waits for Donghyuck to continue, unsure where this is headed.

“I like you and I want to take you out on a date.”

Mark hoped Donghyuck wanted to come clean about drinking his last banana milk. Feared Donghyuck was here to tell him he was sick of Mark and end their friendship. All that he could handle. Mark could’ve made Donghyuck buy him ice cream as compensation for his milk or drown himself in an extra-large bucket of ice cream if he really lost Donghyuck just like that.

But what is he supposed to do with an out of the blue confession?

Staring seems rather rude, so Mark says the next worst thing that comes to his mind. 

“I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck looks away and swallows the lump in his throat. Mark steps closer when Donghyuck blinks as if he’s got dust in his eyes, but he pulls away. It hurts to see his best friend on the verge of tears. Mark hates that they’re his fault.

“I should, uh, I should go,” he says and folds the kitchen towel carefully.

 _I have to fix this,_ Mark thinks but trips over his words. “Wait, Hyuck. Let’s talk about this.” He wants to reach out, stop him from slipping away but Donghyuck puts his hands up in defence.

“I don’t really want to,” he says, a sad smile curls his lips as if to reassure him. “I just– I was really hoping this would turn out differently.” Donghyuck laughs but it lacks his usual cheerfulness. “I was so sure I wasn’t imagining things and that if I made the first move, you’d, I don’t know, overcome whatever was holding you back.” Donghyuck rubs the back of his neck and lets his hands fall to his side. “Seems like I was wrong.”

“Please,” Mark asks again not knowing what he’s begging him for. He could stop Donghyuck from leaving, he just had to tell him. What was there to lose? If they really weren’t meant to last then, he’d have to say goodbye to Donghyuck a little later. It was worth the risk, wasn’t it?

“We’re fine, Mark. I just need some time,” Donghyuck says but it doesn’t help. “We’ll be fine.”

Mark freezes as Donghyuck puts on his shoes and closes the door behind himself.

Something tells him they won’t.

  
  


Donghyuck doesn’t avoid him when they get lunch together the next day. He greets him with their usual fist bump, sits next to him and talks as if nothing happened. Mark feels the tension between them, despite Donghyuck’s efforts. Sees it when Donghyuck avoids his eyes, knows it when he excuses himself after lunch when they’d usually walk together to his history lesson.

Mark doesn’t get more than a minute alone with him for the rest of the week. He’s left to watch Donghyuck as he makes up excuses on why he’s not leaving with him on Friday and he’s got a niece now apparently that he has to babysit over the weekend.

Jeno tells him, he should talk to Donghyuck and set things right before it’s too late but doesn’t understand that even if Mark knew how to, Donghyuck runs as soon as he as much as brushes upon the topic of feelings.

Tuesday he gets a text from Jaemin.

 _im not taking care of his drunk ass. come get him,_ it says followed up by an address. When Mark finds his friends in the crowded house, hidden behind an indoor palm tree, Donghyuck’s passed out on the couch next to Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun. He wonders what the latter’s doing here, figures he’s here to have a good time like everyone else who’s drunk and dancing and keeps his greetings short. He wakes Donghyuck up gently, who smiles when he sees his best friend.

“Look, who decided to come out for once,” he shouts over the music. Drunkenly, Donghyuck hauls himself up and throws an arm around his shoulder. Mark’s heart aches at the familiarity of it all, wasn’t aware of how much he missed having Donghyuck up close in his personal space all the time.

He grabs him by his waist to steady Donghyuck before he falls back into his seat.

The car ride is long and quiet, save for the music from Mark’s playlist. Donghyuck’s drowsing on the seat next to him but stirs awake when Mark stops in front of his apartment building. He sits in the car for a moment, tightens his grip around the wheel until his knuckles turn white and releases the tension. When he pulls the aux cord from his phone, he doesn’t look at Donghyuck who’s staring out the window up to the top floor.

 _It’ll be fine,_ Mark repeats in his head as he removes his seat belt and steps around the car to help Donghyuck out. 

Halfway up the stairs, Donghyuck suddenly sits down on the steps, breathing heavily and arm stretched up to Mark.

“Just leave me behind,” he says, pressing a hand to his chest and faking a cough. “I’m only holding you back.”

Mark has to agree, the four stories are hard to climb even when in top form, but Donghyuck’s flair for the dramatic was a little over the top. He smiles when going back down to offer him a piggy-back ride. /p>

Once inside, he makes sure Donghyuck doesn’t feel the need to puke, then gives him his spare toothbrush and a change of clothes. Donghyuck falls asleep almost immediately and, after hooking up Donghyuck’s phone to the charger, Mark eyes the couch for one minute, before deciding that he had a queen sized bed and therefore wouldn’t torture his back tonight. Besides Donghyuck and him have shared a bed countless of times before, why should now be any different. Mark makes sure to stay on his side of the bed, giving Donghyuck his space and wakes up early to avoid making things more awkward than necessary.

Mark is setting the table when Donghyuck sits up, rubbing his eyes. He pushes his blanket off with a loud groan and picks up the aspirin Mark left on his nightstand.

“Please don’t throw up on my carpet,” Mark says taking the last pancake of the pan and finishing up Donghyuck’s coffee. 

“No promises, Lee.” He sits at the edge of the bed, head pounding and buried in his hands. Mark can’t help but grin despite the state his best friend’s in. It’s been a while since Donghyuck has called Mark by his last name, so can you blame him for letting a comfortable warmth bloom in his stomach. Donghyuck goes to wash up, but when he comes back, he looks at the two steaming cups of coffee and then points at the door behind his back.

“I should go, thanks for letting me crash.”

Mark’s smile falls with the first step Donghyuck makes to get away from him. Was this their new normal now? Just when he thought thinks are looking up, Donghyuck’s slipping through his fingers again. He still doesn’t know what to say, but he’s scared he’ll never get another chance to talk to Donghyuck like this.

“Stop avoiding me,” he blurts out in a fit of panic.

Donghyuck whirls around, eyes open wide. “I’m not avoiding you, Mark,” he says. “I told you I need–”

“Time, I know but.” Mark pauses letting his shoulders fall. He takes a deep breath, stalling to think of his next words. “It’s not that I don’t like you too, I’m scared to lose you.”

He hoped saying it out loud would lift the weight off his heart, instead Mark feels small and ridiculous under Donghyuck’s gaze.

“Elaborate,” he says, leaving Mark to struggle with his feelings. His nails dig into his palms until Mark straightens his hand only for his fist to curl up again.

“Let’s say we date and then break up,” he begins and raising his hand to stop Donghyuck from cutting him off. “We break up, then what? I’ve seen people try and stay friends only to grow apart and I don’t want that for us. You’ve been there for me my whole life, Hyuck. You’re family and I don’t want to ever call you a stranger. I wouldn’t know how to deal with that.”

There that wasn’t that hard after all, Mark thinks until he blinks, because his eyes are burning. A tear runs down his cheeks. His chest feels tight, too tight, and breathing grows harder the more he tries to keep it steady. He knows what this is, feels his heart rate spiking with the flood of anxiety. The only thing grounding him is the pain in his palms. 

Donghyuck frowns, then steps closer. 

Mark wishes he’d leave, give him time to calm down. He wishes he’d come closer and allow him to bury his head in the crook Donghyuck’s neck.

Donghyuck does neither. 

“That’s bullshit, Mark,” he deadpans. “Have a little faith in me. In us. Who would I ask to carry me to the hospital if that were to happen. No one puts up with my shit as much as you do. I wouldn’t leave you over something stupid like a break up.”

Donghyuck looks a little disappointed, a little angry.

Mark wants to cry, because despite all that Donghyuck wraps his arms around him and draws little circles on his back.

“Then why were you avoiding me?” Mark whispers, enjoying the warmth and comfort radiating from him.

“Because it hurt,” Donghyuck says matter-of-factly. “I told you, I need time. It’s barely been a week; don’t tell me you’ve been stressing out over it all this time.”

Mark stays quiet not wanting to lie. Donghyuck lets go off him slowly and dries the trails on Mark hands with the borrowed hoodie.

“You’re my best friend, you know that, right?” Mark knows, of course he does, but the voices in his head scream too much, too loudly sometimes. He feels selfish, because he needs Donghyuck to repeat it over and over again for Mark to crush the doubt, to feel like he’s wanted.

“Come on, we’ll figure this out,” Donghyuck says and grabs his hand toward the coffee table with their cooled down coffees. 

Mark holds on to his grip even when they sit down. They will figure it out, he thinks, while Donghyuck tries to wipe the jam off his chin with little of Mark’s help and more of his laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> these markhyuck fics are what i do instead of therapy, because, if you were wondering, all of mark's issues are my issues and i need to deal with them somehow.
> 
> anyway, this was supposed to be a cute lil fluffy fic and not...this. hope you still liked it tho, tell me if you did and if you didn't, tell me anyhow but pls don't be mean. publishing this is kinda scary cause this is stuff i've never told anyone.
> 
> if you wanna talk to me about engineering, college, markhyuck or whatever else find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tyspoorhair) xD


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